Group C preview

If we've learned anything from our not so great national side's qualifying campaign it's that we're quite good at playing really badly against really bad sides but very rarely slipping up. Given that the group we topped almost untouched contained Croatia; a side who were the purists favourites until a few sleeps ago, and the Ukraine, we might well be quite optimistic. Algeria and Slovenia are ranked 30th and 25th in the latest rankings, respectively.

USA
The second greatest nation on earth, and brilliant at any sport which they either invented or can baffle folk with maths about. Soccer's taking off there, so they've been telling us for nigh on two generations. Even the signing of the most famous footballer on the planet has just about made ripples over the pond, but at least it gives them something to talk about beyond beating us in the fifties.

Tim Howard is, on his day, as reliable a goalkeeper as there is in the best league in the world. Since moving from Manchester's second club he's proven solid at Everton and has earned the respect of those who saw him as a bit of a caricature early on due to his 'comedy' disorder. Behind him are two stoppers talented in their own right - Marcus Hahnemann grasped his place back at Wolves and impressed, whereas Brad Guzan, though appearances have been limited, possesses great reflexes, and will, in time, dislodge another US veteran, Brad Friedel.

America's weak point remains their defence. There's a chance they could field a back four solely compromising of unspectacular players who've all plied their trade in England - Jonathan Spector, Jay De Merit, Carlos Bocanegra and 'Gooch' Onyewu, the latter doubtful after an injury-hit season at Milan. All uncultured, all clumsy, all capable of looking like Norman Wisdom on ice. Any top side should find them out.

Coach Bob Bradley will stick to a tried and tested 4-4-2, with son Michael and fellow German-basee Ricardo Clark providing the steel in midfield and two more-familiar names running the flanks. Clint Dempsey is actually brilliant, i mean ACTUALLY BRILLIANT, for Fulham at least, those in the States don't quite get the manlove we afford him, what chumps we are.

On the opposite wing will be Landon Donovan, who caught the imagination of our domestic league during a splendid loan spell at Everton during which he looked like a taller, whiter, faster, more tricky and disciplined Shaun Wright-Phillips. Both of these fellas can make their full-back look like a numpty and will prove the USA's main weapon - quick, direct counter-attacking. Both chase second balls, both are dangerous around the area, and the pair are exactly the sort who could become never forgotten World Cup heroes.

Something about Edson Buddle.

Algeria
Les Fennecs have only ever qualified for two World Cups, exiting in the first round on both occasions. In 1982 they famously beat West Germany before bowing out on goal difference despite winning another of their three group games. Four years later, the real Zidane, Djamel, bagged their only goal in Mexico in a 1-1 draw with Northern Ireland, levelling after Norman Whiteside had opened the scoring.

Being North African, expect lots of angry eyes, effing and jeffing and the odd underhand tactic. Still high after beating rivals (and better side) Egypt in a violent play-off, third place would probably be something of a moral victory. Majid Bougherra and Yazid Mansouri will prove their main backbone, with Ziani providing the flair if he can be arsed. Hassan Yebda's no donkey and could present a goal threat, but comedy goalkeeping and a powderpuff front two will mean they'll trouble few, and a fairly inactive calender mightn't help.

Championship Manager enthusiasts will chuckle at spotting one Mourad Meghni in the squad. The ninetieth of eight-hundred 'next Zidannes' is still a bit shit. Hameur Bouazza and one-time Man City trialist Djamal Abdoun (exactly!) will also be hanging around pretending to look busy.

Slovenia
Now Zahovic-free, Matjaz Kekz' (seriously, that's his name) side are another who will be hoping South Africa sees them through the group stage for the first ever time after impressively beating Russia over two legs in a play-off. Unlucky during a friendly at Wembley last autumn, they are, as you might expect, solid, if somewhat static in attack and error-prone in defence, but with a suave and relatively cultured midfield engine room.

Robert Koren, surprisingly released by West Brom this summer, is capable of asking probing questions. Andraz Kirm, waspish from the left, won't let his full-back settle, Valter Birsa, currently at Auxerre, is a good crosser of the ball, and Rene Khrin of Inter Milan, though unlikely to start, is tipped to go on to be one of the very best central midfielders in Europe.

Sadly, for them at least, another former Baggie and his central defensive colleague will prove their undoing. Bostjan Cesar, now at Grenoble, is more Davro than Moore, and Marko Suler is equally prone to a blooper, although his club side Gent ended the Juliper Pro League with its second best defensive record.

England
I'm English, but i fucking despise our national football team, i must admit. That is until this last month, where a combination of alcohol, recreational drugs and a couple of weeks off work have gotten me genuinely excited.

With England, the problem has rarely, not in my lifetime at least, been a lack of players, or even below-par managers, but more a team and nation of losers with no belief or testicular fortitude. Though the performances in the warm-up games have been pretty poor, Italy proved last time round that playing pretty isn't at all necessary, and under Capello we seem to be getting the basics right.

I won't go as far as suggesting England can win the World Cup, but there's only one squad obviously better than ours, in my opinion, and providing there are no outrageously bad refs, we don't pick up any more injuries, get our bit of luck, and can avoid penalties as much as possible, then we should be able to reach the last four for the first time in twenty years.

See, the problem with England is that we're always looking for an excuse. In the run-up to this tournament pretty much everything that has gone wrong, barring Wayne Rooney's late injury, has. Our most vital cog - Gareth Barry, is struggling to be fit whilst possible replacements fluff their lines. Our two genuinely world-class players - Rooney and Ashley Cole, have both had injuries and are quite probably not 100%. Aaron Lennon, Glen Johnson and David James have all had knocks, too, Rio's out, John Terry's a giant cunt, we've no established 'keeper, no clue who should partner Wayne in attack, and our secret weapon is sat twiddling his thumbs round his mam and dad's gaff somewhere near Sunderland.

I'd like to think that England will be professional enough to dispose of the two moribund sides in this group. I have a feeling me might underestimate America, and key areas of concern will particularly be Glen Johnson defending his right-back position, and any replacement for Barry rising above themselves to manage the completely unscientific job of guarding their defence and passing the ball accurately to a footballer.

Prediction:
England to pick up maximum points from their final two games after a disappointing and possibly embarrassing opening result against America. The Yanks to follow them after Lord Mayor's Show draws against the 'other two'.

Tommy Pardoe